Tonight....

Sitting around with my family tonight. They're watching John Hagee on TV. In case you don't know who he is, he's a preacher from San Antonio. Several members of my family go to his church, and my mother and sister like to listen to him. I hate him. He yells and hollers....He's the preacher who endorsed John McCain and then embarassed him with his remarks about the Jews. Anyway, the point is...it's a boring and dismal night.

Someone asked me today, "how are you doing?" I'm not really sure how I'm doing actually. For the most part I'm happy I guess. I'm bored stiff here in NM alot of the time. I'm not depessed or overtly unhappy, but I'm just dissatisfied I guess. I'm not working at the moment, and it's really getting to me. So much of my self identity is wrapped up in my profession, nursing. I'm a caregiver. I get the most unbelieveable satisfaction from my profession, from helping my patients and seeing them recover....being there for them, and sometimes...being with them when they die. The reason behind my break from work is a long story, and I don't really want to go into it in a public forum such as this. I didn't kill anyone or anything...nothing that dramatic. I just need a break to heal myself a bit. I do intend to go back to work however. This is just temporary, as being back in NM at the moment is temporary.

I'm really lonely here. I think that's the biggest obstacle I'm facing at the moment. Haven't made any friends since I've been back, and haven't met any nice guys that a relationship could be possible with. I've met some guys, and one or two of them have been nice, but the great majority of gay men around here seem to be intolerable, shallow jerks. Same old story...it was like this all the years I lived here. There is a great guy I'm chatting with, however. We haven't met yet, though. Im looking forward to meeting him, but is there a chance of anything really developing with him? I don't know. I tend to think probably not, though I might be surprised. It's been over a year now since I've been seriously involved with anyone. I'm really ready. It's funny. When I'm involved, I everyone wants me. When I'm single, I don't meet anyone who seems interested, at least in getting into a meaningful relationship.

Love. Love love love. What a wonderful thing. There's nothing on Earth like the happiness, the giddiness of a new relationship. Then when the newness wears off a bit, you start to really enjoy the stability and the comfort of having someone in your life you can depend on, who's there for you in every way. We're wired for this. Gay men seem to have a kink in the wiring, however. I've noticed in my own life, that there's something about being in a relationship with a girl that tempers and tames a man. Gay men don't have this grounding energy of the opposite sex. But I don't want to get into that now....I could write a book about that subject.

Anyway, John Hagee is still hollering, and on that note I'll close for tonight.
Kisses.....