Sunday

I went to church tonight.....I love the warmth and coziness the lighting,the candles, and the sweet fragrant incense provides duing late evening and night Masses. It was a great Mass. After the service was concluded, I stayed back to pray my Rosary, which is usually my custom. I heard someone shuffle and move in the pew behind me several times. When I concluded my prayers and got all my genuflections (unless you're Catholic, you have no idea what I'm talking about) out of the way, I was heading for the door and a little man rushed up to me......."do you pray the chaplet?" he asked me. I really didn't know which one he was talking about......we have thousands......but he revealed his Divine Mercy Chaplet book, and I agreed that yes, I prayed it daily at 3:00pm if I could. I headed for the door again, and he followed me, talking about the Catholic radio station, the Pope, etc.....just to have someone to talk to. Every church has these poor, sweet little people.....at church every day, always smiling and so eager to talk, very friendly and just a little bit nuts....some more so than others....

I finally escaped, but part of our conversation stayed with me. The little man, I can't remember his name, was telling me how very important it was that we get John McCain and Sarah Palin in the White House because of the typical issues.....gay marriage....just being gay in general, abortion, stem-cell research.....all the old goodies, which I of course support. I was thinking on the way home about a question a friend asked me several years ago....."how can you belong to a religion and a Church that completely negates all that you are and all that you stand for? A religion that negates you?" Hmmmmm.......as I said, I pondered this old question all the way home. It had come from a very alienated, lost, young heroin addict named Nathan. He believed in nothing, had nothing. As I explained to poor sweet, sad Nathan (I doubt if he's even alive anymore,) I had never in my life felt any shame or fear before God because of my sexuality, no guilt EVER........which he couldn't understand, so he asked me "how do you manage that?" My simple answer was, and still the same......"it's a private matter between God and I"

I've encountered so many tragic guys whose lives were destroyed by the guilt and shame of their sexuality. They're always the "discreet," ones you see in listed in Gay.Com profiles. Scared and closeted ones usually. Most of "the ones" I've had dealings with have been fantastic guys who would have made dreamy husbands.......but of course, you know THAT'S never gonna happen, and your heart breaks in varrying degrees and you move on. Any gay reader out there knows exactly the kind of guy I'm talking about.....

How did I get off on that tangent....? Oh! The reconciliation of my beliefs and my self-identity, which I have been able to successfully integrate.....ENLIGHTENMENT! BIG LOL!!!!!!!!! I've studied and practiced a host of religions over the years in my quest for the truth. My spirituality, my personal Catholicism is pretty unique......To put all this rambling in a nut shell.....I know who I am, I feel no guilt or shame or fear.....and I have absolutely no difficulty being a Catholic who supports abortion or any other issues that most Catholics or the crackpot Protestants trumpet, I love masturbation and sex and porn, I have some porn Blogs even......but I love me....God loves me.......blasphemous fuck that I am.......I am who I am for a very important reason......!

So.......dear lonely little church man tonight.....thank-you for reminding me of that....


as always, gentle reader, remember......Jesus is ALWAYS watching you!

Love and Blessings,


Michael